Journal
by Krisskittie
Summary: Yukito's journal may hold more of an important message for Yue. (Rating has gone up, sorry, but it's getting graphic!) CH 4 now up!!*
1. Chapter 1

  
  


Disclaimer- I don't own anything. Plain and simple. I did however come up with this story, thanks to the help of my counterpart and fanfiction partner, Kris. Thanks aibou!

  
  


Warnings- Ok. I like both yaoi and non-yaoi...and this story's gonna be yaoi as of now...It may change. It's not going to be graphic or anything. It'll be, at the worst, shounen ai. Thanks, and if you don't like, don't read, but DO NOT flame me. I warned you. 

  
  


Any ideas? Mistakes? Just wanna chat? Email me! Also, read AND review. You'd be surprised how much it makes someone's day if they get some feedback, constructive criticism, etc. Also, if you are nice enough to review, you may find a story or two of yours reviewed as well, depending on time constraints...lol....~hint, hint!~

Chapter One

  
  
  
  


'"I am sorry."

"But you can't You just can't"

The older man sighed. It wasn't just the fact that he had heard this same argument for the past few weeks, but more the sheer desperation in the voice of the one who stood before him. He looked pleadingly up at the owner of the musical voice. The creature fell to his knees, resting his forehead against the older man who sat in a well worn chair, a blanket and book in his lap.

"I'm so sorry. I wish--" He was quickly cut off by a reply from the magical being.

"I am the one who should apologize Master. I just…" The man trailed off and raised his head so his exquisite eyes met with his Master's. He smiled softly when he felt a gentle hand glide through his hair soothingly. Resting his head back in the magician's lap, he fell asleep.'

  
  


He awoke with a start. Shocked, he sat up, pulling his glasses off of his nightstand, and gazed at the clock. Oh, great. It was only two o'clock in the morning. 

I wonder where that came from? That has to be the weirdest dream ever. After taking a long drink from the glass of still cool water beside his bed, he removed his glasses, and lay back. Yet still, this dream was different from the usual odd dream. It stuck with him, clinging to his consciousness. He found himself replaying the scene over again in his mind. Oh, well. I should do my best to get back to sleep. I've got school tomorrow. 

  
  


"Huh, that is weird"

"It was But it was so real It was like I could FEEL everything The magician's hand, his robe…" Yukito stopped, blushing. He laughed nervously, and glanced at the teenage boy walking next to him with long, even strides. Wow Try and sound a little bit more strange, if possible "So, what do you think? Am I cracking up? I've never had a dream that felt so …familiar before"

"It certainly sounds quite vivid." Touya Kinomoto replied thoughtfully.

"You don't think it could be because of…"Yukito paused, glancing around him for anyone who might be listening.

"Him?" Touya finished before his best friend. Yukito gave him a nervous look before nodding and taking a bite of his sandwich. His silver hair fell across his forehead, and he impatiently swiped it back. 

"Yeah, that Yue guy. My other half, or whatever." Touya smiled at Yuki's choice of words. He found the Moon guardian and his earthly form to be as different as possible. Where Yuki was good natured, kind hearted, and friendly, the guardian was cold, conceited and the slightest bit cruel. 

"Maybe the magician in your dream was Clow Reed?" Touya asked in a quiet tone. 

"Hey, maybe Great thinking To-ya" Touya was rewarded by a dazzling smile from Yuki. 

"If you have another dream, write it down, ok?" Touya finished his sandwich, and drained the last of his soda. Yuki, who ate enough for ten people, did the same. They had finished just in time, for the bell rang right after, announcing for the students eating lunch to come back to their classes. 

"Lunch time ends way too quickly." Touya grumbled, echoed by Yuki's ringing laugh.

  
  


'"Why, whatever is the matter?" Two strong hands caught up a smaller, more delicate one in between them. Soft sobs were the only answer the tall, partially Chinese man received. "Dear one, what is wrong?" A beautiful, silver haired creature raised his head. His normally bright violet eyes were red rimmed. Those eyes widened when lips as gentle as the man who owned them brushed kisses against the tear streaked flesh of either cheek. Long, ink colored hair tickled the magical moon creature's nose, filling the air between them with the hint of roses. The young man sighed as his Master withdrew. 

"There now. Tell me, why the tears?" His master asked in that deep, quiet voice.

"They were…" The beautiful man began, only to stop, clearly ashamed.

"They were teasing you again, weren't they? Ah, my poor one. They just don't understand how sensitive you are Don't worry. It doesn't matter what they say." He drew his beloved creature to him, pressing him against his chest. The silver haired young man buried his face into the deep, dark colored fabric of his master's soft robe, inhaling the scents of herbs, flowers, and an exotic, masculine scent that was completely unique. '

  
  


Yukito woke up. His latest dream was similar to the one's he'd been having for weeks now. Sighing, he pulled the blank book he'd been recording his dreams in from underneath his bed. He pulled it open, glancing at the last dream he'd recorded:

'The black haired magician watched three figures file from his study, each glaring with venom at a certain silver haired beauty who had curled up in their Master's favorite chair. The young man's eyes widened before he glanced up at the Master. "There now. They won't be tangling your hair up any time soon. Now, move onto the floor, and we'll see what we can do about this hair of yours." The dark robed older man draped a thick blanket around the shivering fey creature's shoulders. The magician pushed his glasses further up on his nose and pulled out a comb, and a small pair of scissors. He began to gently, methodically, pull the comb through his creations waist length hair. Tears welled up in the smaller man's violet eyes. 

"Why do they hate me so?" He whispered. A sigh echoed above the crackling of a warm fire. 

"They don't hate you my dear one. You are the youngest, that's all. They find it more convenient to tease you. Even so, pushing you into a well, and using your hair as a cat toy is quite inexcusable." The kindly magician winced as he encountered a nasty snarl. Trying to distract the young man, he began to tell him a fantastic fairy tale that was partially based on a real life encounter with the spirit of a young girl. He withdrew the scissors from the fold of his robe and snipped away the worst of the tangles. When he finally finished, and his creation's hair was once more a silken, silver, waterfall, he looked down at the silver head that had leaned against his knee. He smiled fondly at the relaxed, innocent, sweet face, so gentle in sleep. Then he leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on his cheek."'

Yukito bit the end of his pencil. These dreams…the magician in them could be Clow Reed. And I suppose the other guy could be Yue. Yukito shivered at the thought of his other half. It scared him to think that most of what he'd believed in his whole life was a lie. Perhaps he and Yue really were beginning to become one, like Sakura had told him. Groaning and rubbing his eyes, he un-capped the pen and began to write down his latest dream.

  
  


"Here you go," Yukito handed Touya the journal, "a month's worth of dreams." Touya accepted the proffered journal with a questioning look. He yelled over his shoulder for his little sister to hurry up, keeping a steady grip on his bike. Sakura Kinomoto raced up, her short auburn hair flying about her face., her green eyes sparkling. For Yukito, she had a sunburst smile, however for her brother she had a raspberry. Touya snorted at her childish display. Sakura's bright eyes lit on the journal instantly. She snatched it away from her shocked brother before he could even react, and opened it to a random page.

"OOH, a diary, Touya? I didn't think you were the type Hmmm, lemme see here, what could I blackmail me evil older brother with?" Sakura had a mischievous glint to her eyes as she read aloud.

"Squirt, give that back now Come on Sakura You're biting off more than you can chew here" Touya dived for the book, almost dropping his bike. Sakura easily dodged him, with a flair of skill, on her roller blades. She skidded to a stop next to Yukito. "Sakura, that's not even mine It's Yuki's" Sakura stopped at her brother's statement. 

"Huh? Yuki's?" She glanced at the silent boy next to her, who nodded, and gestured at the book.

"You can still look through it if you want, after all, you're the card mistress. You have strong powers, maybe you can make sense of my weird dreams." She went back to reading.

"'December fourth. Tonight I dreamt a very odd scene. A huge winged lion creature was trying to comfort an angel. The angel was crying. I could hear it so well. I can still hear it now. He sounded so sad. Even the lion was crying. Ok, It started with the angel, sitting out under a tree. It was the middle of winter, I guess, cause there was snow on the ground, glittering in the light of a full moon. The angel sat, shivering under a tree, and almost crying. The lion creature came out and said he was sorry, and the angel immediately started sobbing. He turned and threw his arms, and wings, around the lion , and kept wailing, 'No, no.' It was such a sad dream. It ended with the angel passing out, and falling backwards into the snow. Then the lion dragged him back into the house. I woke up right after.'" Sakura took a very deep breath. "Have you been having many dreams like this Yuki?" She didn't even wait for his nod before continuing, a finger against her small chin, her feet moving automatically, as they began to journey towards school. Touya made sure Yukito had a good grip on his waist, before pedaling off. "Cause this sounds a lot like Keroberos and Yue. I could call Kero during lunch, and have him meet us after school if you'd like." 

"Better yet, why don't you spend the night Yuki? Dad's out of town, and the monster could make us dinner, as long as we picked the ingredients up, right monster?" Sakura stuck out her tongue, then blew another raspberry at her brother.

"Wow, you're growing up faster every day, monster You're getting to be so mature, just make sure you don't start dating anytime soon, or else"

"Or else what? And besides, who says I haven't already been on a date?" 

"WHAT? Who was it Sakura?" 

"Haha, I'm not telling" Another raspberry, and more exasperated sounds from her older brother.

"Touya?" Yukito asked quietly.

"What?"

"You have a sister complex." Yukito replied, as Sakura giggled.

"Shut up. Both of you." Touya growled, mock fiercely. 

"You haven't really been dating, have you Sakura?" Yukito whispered.

"Of course not, it's just fun to tease him." Sakura giggled again. Yukito's laughter rang through the cold air. Sakura's laughter floated easily above it, as carefree as a bird. 

  
  


"Yuki" The hissed whisper was accompanied by a sharp pencil poke in the side. Yukito's head snapped up. "Stay awake" Yukito yawned, fairly certain he heard his jaws creak. His eyes began to close again, very much against his own will. The lost sleep because of the dreams was beginning to take it's toll. His eyes closed, the age old mantra: "I'll just rest my eyes.", repeated itself in his brain. His body began to feel as heavy as his eyelids, and his mind slowed. His breathing became slightly irregular, and his head bowed forward until his chin was practically resting in his chest. His arms, crossed in front of him, relaxed slightly as his body slouched ever so slightly. He passed quickly into the second phase of sleep, ignorant of Touya poking him lightly with the pencil and whispering his name. 

"TSUKISHIRO-SAN YUKITO" A heavy hand slammed down onto Yuki's desk. It startled him out of sleep, nearly causing him to fall out of his chair. "So glad you could join us today in class, Tsukishiro-san. Are you feeling well today?"

"Uh, ah…umm, yes, Hino-sensei. I'm just tired, I haven't been sleeping well." Yukito quickly stammered out an answer.

"Perhaps you should try and sleep a little more at home, than in class." The teacher quickly walked back to the front of the class, and began preaching again. Yuki, unable to help it, yawned again. 

"Yuki.." Touya began, but Yukito cut him off. 

"If I start to fall asleep again, smack me, ok?" He smiled at his friend.

A few minutes later…"Yuki"…SMACK….

  
  


"What are you reading, Sakura?" Tomoyo sat next to her best friend, brushing out her thick, dark hair. Li Sayoran, Sakura's other close friend sat on her other side, leaning back against the tree the were sitting, and eating lunch under. Tomoyo smoothed her sleek hair, put her brush away, and opened a bottle of water. Sakura put her trash in a paper bag, and picked back up Yuki's journal. 

"Isn't that Yuki's journal?" Li questioned. Tomoyo's eyebrows shot up. 

"Uh, yeah." Sakura gave Li a strange look. "He's been recording these strange dreams he's been having lately." Tomoyo scanned the sky, then turned back to Sakura.

"What type of dreams?" Tomoyo's sweet voice was tinged with curiosity. Li had sat fully up and was looking expectantly at Sakura with his cinnamon colored eyes. 

"I don't know. It sounds to me like they could possibly be dreams of the past."

"Who's past?" Li muttered. Sakura opened up the journal. 

"Dreams of…you know, Kero, Clow Reed…and I think Yue." Sakura glanced at the page in front of her. Suddenly Tomoyo jumped up and raced towards some nearby bushes.

"Ok…" Li looked at Tomoyo like she was crazy. Sakura burst out laughing at his expression.

"Li, you look like a fish" Tomoyo approached the two, wondering why on earth Sakura was almost in tears from laughing to much, and Li's face was so red. Behind her a tan colored animal sat on her shoulder, peeking through her black hair. Kero's arms were crossed, and he looked very confused.

"Hey, what's so funny?" Tomoyo looked at Kero, then glanced back to the two. 

"Sorry, Li's face…" Sakura sat up and wiped her eyes.

"Haha, see? I always told ya the kid has a funny looking face" Kero laughed at his own joke, prompting a giggle that Tomoyo hid behind her hand. Li growled, and glared at the magical creature perched on his friend's shoulder.

"Kero," Sakura began, "I want to read something to you, ok?" Sakura flipped through the journal, stopping on a random page. Kero flew over to sit beside Sakura, leaned against the tree trunk, and closed his eyes. Sakura's low voice filled his ears, and brought forth long buried memories. Yes, he could see the scenes play out before him in his mind's eye….

  
  


'Numerous magicians had gathered to debate various subjects that required intellect and interest…neither of which the lion felt he possessed greatly. No, it was much more fun to watch his siblings make fools of themselves while he relaxed in front of the fire. Something his siblings had done made a roar of laughter issue forth from the magicians.   
"So where is this latest creation of yours?" A snooty feminine voice questioned. He heard his Master's bass voice rumble an unsure answer. It had taken many years of living with the man to hear that hint of concern in his voice. He felt a soft tendril of magic brushing across the very fabric of his being. Groaning, he pulled himself to his feet. Where was his little brother? He knew that the little one hated big crowds; after all he was extraordinarily shy to the point of being terrified. He was probably hiding. 

"Ahhh…there he is. I knew he wouldn't be far…You may come out now, dear one." At the master's soft bidding, a small, thin, pale face poked around from behind the door. With uncertain steps the childlike being came forward, his eyes cast shyly down. The lion bounded up next to his brother, purring comfortingly, and led his brother to the now standing assembly of magicians. Many of them gasped at the demure beauty. The master came forward to stand protectively at the young man's shoulder.

"I must apologize. He's just shy." That same snooty woman leapt forward, practically pouncing on the boy. She grabbed his chin and thrust it up forward, so that all could see his face. The master's jaw dropped, his eyes filled with concern. 

"Why it's perfect Very beautiful. It can talk, correct?" She twisted the poor young man's face this way and that. The other's simply stared, fascinated. 

"Please, be gentle. " Surprisingly, the master gently pried the woman's hand off of his creation's face. The poor angelic being looked so frightened, as though he would bolt. The master put a protective arm around his creation. "It's alright, dear." He whispered soothingly.'

  
  


"Wow." Kero whispered. "After that, Clow told everyone to go home. Yue was pretty freaked out. I couldn't believe how that pack of wolves practically attacked poor Yue." Kero looked very much lost in thought.

"So that was the past But why would Yuki be dreaming about the past?" Sakura sounded excited. Kero snorted.

"Did you forget about Yue?" Sakura's head tilted to one side. 

"Hmm. Don't forget Sakura, that Yuki is only Yue's earthly form. It could be Yue who's dreaming." Sakura nodded slowly. "But why would Yuki have been having these dreams for so long?" Li interrupted Kero.

"I don't know." Kero said.

"Maybe you should talk to him." Tomoyo broke in.

"Uhh…" Sakura looked completely unsure of how to broach such a subject to her stoic moon guardian. "He won't be angry Sakura." Sakura glanced at her sun guardian, shocked. He always knew what she was thinking. "Yeah, maybe I'll invite him over today."

  
  


"Yukito Touya" Sakura ran up to her brother and his best friend. "Hey, could Yukito still come over for dinner tonight, Touya?" Touya merely blinked at his sister. He just didn't get her sometimes. Oh, he knew that she thought that Yuki was handsome. Man, his little sister could be so weird.

"Uhh, yeah. Sure squirt, whatever. That was the plan." He rolled his eyes. Yuki just grinned, and mouthed: 'sister complex.' Aww, man. He sighed, and the three walked home, Sakura chattering the whole way.

  
  


After dinner, Sakura walked into the living room carrying the tea tray. She could hear her brother and Yuki talking about something funny that had happened to some kid in their class. Sakura's dad was getting everything ready at the college. He was taking his advanced anthropology class on a dig the next day. Sakura sat the tray down then turned to Yuki. Kero had perched himself at the foot of the stairs, ready to talk to Yue once he appeared. 

"Return to your true form, Yue" Sakura commanded. Yuki stood up, as if in a daze. He floated off the Kinomoto's carpet for a moment, while large white wings grew from his back, wrapping themselves around his glowing form like a cocoon. They drew back, revealing an unearthly beauty of a man. Long white robes covered his body. Silvery hair fell down his back. Those long eyelashes brushed his cheeks, then his alien eyes opened. He immediately dropped to one knee before Sakura, closing those violet and blue eyes.

"What is it you wish Mistress?" That smooth, velvet and whisky voice flowed from his pale throat.

"Yue…I don't know quite how to put this.." His small, auburn haired mistress was at a loss for words. Kero changed to his true form, and came to stand before his brother. 

"I'll just wait upstairs, ok squirt?" Touya stood quickly, his eyes locked on the angelic man. He turned and walked upstairs, glancing at the angelic boy all the while. 

Yue arched a pale eyebrow at Sakura's brother and got to his feet. "Sit down, Yue, please." Sakura reached up and grabbed one of Yue's delicate hands in both of her smaller ones, pulling Yue towards the sofa. "I…I wanted to give you something, ask you to read it. It's Yukito's journal. He…He's been having some weird dreams lately." Sakura pulled the journal out of her backpack, which she had placed next to the sofa. She placed it into Yue's lap. Yue looked askance at Sakura, as though unsure of what to do. 

"Read an entry, Yue." Keroberos's voice echoed. Yue opened the journal, reading the first page. Sakura watched Yue's facial reactions. He looked shocked. 

"Where did you get this?" Yue's voice sounded soft, and sad.

"Yuki. He's been having some interesting dreams lately." Keroberos rumbled. "Are you perhaps having some impact on his dreams, little brother?" Keroberos's voice was gentle, and soothing. He, after having spent centuries becoming familiar with every nuance of Yue's voice and body language, could tell that Yuki's journal had dredged up some bittersweet memories. Sakura seemed to sense this too, because she carefully sat on the sofa next to Yue. Keroberos was sometimes shocked at Sakura's perceptive abilities. 

"I…" He looked warily at the girl next to him, her hands having moved to grip one of his comfortingly. Her deep jade eyes urged him to continue. "I always dream, my brother. Always." Yue's voice was low. He looked pensive. "However, I have always taken the utmost care to separate myself from my earthly form. It's much easier that way. I especially separate both parts when I sleep. I don't see why I should plague Yukito with such matters during his waking hours. Actually, I've spent more and more time lately sleeping than not."

"Then what your saying is, Yuki shouldn't be having these dreams?" Sakura looked quite confused. Keroberos tilted his head to one side.

"Are your forms somehow merging, Yue?" Keroberos tossed his golden mane.

"I don't believe so. Otherwise I believe I would also dream Yukito's memories." 

"Ah, good point. Could something be causing them to merge? Or maybe be giving Yuki these memories for some reason?" Sakura looked back and forth between her guardians. 

"Hmmm. From what I read there is no hint of danger within them." Yue looked at the journal. "They appear to be nothing more than short vignettes of my…" He locked eyes with his older brother, "our life together with Mas….Clow." His voice stumbled a little on Clow's name. Sensing the pain that tore at Yue's heart at the mere thought of his beloved Master, Keroberos stood and pushed his muzzle against Yue's knee. With a smile that almost made it's way to Yue's lips, Yue scratched at Keroberos's ears in a distracted manner. Sakura was shocked at this display of affection between the two. Normally, Keroberos would be teasing Yue, and Yue, if he replied at all, would add in a few caustic remarks. 

"Perhaps you should read them Yue. You might be able to make some sense of them. Maybe there is a message in them meant specifically for you? " Sakura nodded at Keroberos's speech and squeezed Yue's hand before letting it go. Yue stared at his hand as though just seeing it for the first time. He nodded sharply, picked up the journal, and stood. 

"I suppose I shall." His soft voice filled the room. 

"You could go read it in Dad's library. Come on, I'll show you where it is." The child magician stood next to her guardian, her height barely reached his waist. She motioned for him to follow her, which he did. Their feet on the stairs caused Touya to peek out from his room.

"Hey Squirt, where's Yuki?" He mock growled, until his eyes fell on the silver haired boy who stood tall, and proud behind his kaijuu. His eyes took in the beauty of that very long, shimmering waterfall of silver, and those cold, injured, guarded violet and blue orbs that missed nothing. Sometimes Touya felt like he could feel Yuki's true form watching him. He imagined he could feel the pain that lay hidden deep in the icy depths of Yue's soul. He really pitied the other boy. Touya knew what it was like to lose someone, and to be utterly crushed by their passing. He sensed that in Yue. Now, his eyes actually met with Yue's. Blue-violet met dark brown. He felt himself flush. "Ah, um, I'll just be in here waiting." Touya quickly ducked back into his room and slammed the door shut. He leaned against the door, his heart pounding. Wow, Yue was beautiful. Yue merely raised an eyebrow, and followed a chattering Sakura into her father's study. She showed him to a chair, and left him with a sweet smile. Yue sat, and opened the journal to the first entry. It was the story of the first moment he'd seen Clow. Clow……

  
  


Eyes of such a dark blue they almost seemed black met with his. Two large, careful hands lifted him. The loud shrieking wail ceased itself as the tall man cradled the bundled infant in his arms. The magician leaned back carefully in his chair. A large lion carried a bottle delicately in his sharp teeth. The magician chuckled as the infant flailed his pudgy arms and set to crying again. He accepted the bottle from the lion and pushed the nipple into the child's mouth. Immediately the infant started sucking it. The magician smiled at his newest creation. The lion pushed himself onto his hind legs to peer into the baby's face. Two miniature hands found his cold, wet, black nose and grabbed a hold of it. The magician threw his head back and roared with laughter. The lion mock growled softly at the tiny boy, then laughed as well. 

  
  


Yue sighed, and flipped the page. These words were ripping into his heart. 

  
  


The child-like angel opened his wings. He glanced at the smiling man who stood a few paces away, arms outstretched and beckoning to the child. "Come here, my dear little moon angel." That soft, deep voice gave him all the courage he needed. He leapt into the air, fluttering his wings as fast as he could. Unfortunately his best efforts weren't good enough. He started to fall, however, his master pulled out a card and whispered 'Windy'. A gentle, smiling woman swept towards the hardwood floor and broke his fall. She cradled him to her breast and flew towards their master. The master took the angelic boy into his arms and thanked the beautiful woman. She just smiled and gently touched the silver haired boy's head and reverted to a card. The miniature angel felt tears welling up in his eyes at his failure. He bit his lower lip. "I…I am sorry. I just cannot seem to do it." He heard a soft chuckle and looked up into the man's smiling face. "It is alright little one. You will learn, in your own time." The tiny child buried his face into his master's shoulder. His master stroked his back with worn, calloused, warm hands. 

  
  


Yue could still feel those hands, stroking his face, and long hair. Even as a child he had worn his hair long, knowing that Clow loved that silken mass. He could feel the tears stinging his lavender eyes, running down his pale, thin cheeks. Grief was overwhelming him. Choking back a softened sob, Yue struggled to read the next page. Oh, he could remember this scene all too well. This had been one of the happiest days of his life.

  
  


"Yue, wake up It's Christmas morning And it's snowing" Keroberos had nearly smothered him, jumping up onto his bed and pouncing the boy. An eight year old Yue threw his arms around Keroberos's great furry neck. He giggled gleefully, Keroberos growling at him playfully. Yue pushed himself away from Keroberos, and hopped off his bed onto the floor. He threw on his robe quickly, and shoved slippers on his feet. 

"Come on Ker'beros" Keroberos chuckled at Yue's mispronunciation of his name. The child still hadn't learned to say his name correctly. Yue was such a sweet child, full of love and life. He raced down the stairs, and flew into Clow's outstretched arms. Clow spun the child around, their laughter loud, and piercing. 

"Alright, moonchild, let us see what Santa has left us." He carried Yue into the parlor, where a large tree had presents stacked four feet high. Keroberos padded after the two. The trio were soon seated in front of a roaring fire, compliments of the fiery card, with fat stockings on their laps. Yue pulled out piece after piece of chocolate, his eyes wide. Clow smiled at the child's wonder. Yue opened a piece, looking into Clow's eyes as if asking for permission. When Clow gestured for the child to eat the candy, Yue popped the sweet into his mouth, his lavender eyes closing with pleasure as the candy melted. After all had unloaded their stockings, presents were passed out. Clow loved the blank journal Yue had crafted. Yue had used a sealant to cover the plain journal with pressed flowers he had picked and dried himself. Yue had even been thoughtful enough to select all of the magician's favorites. Keroberos had enlisted the aid of the create card in literally creating a new quilt to replace the one he had accidentally shredded with his sharp claws. Clow held the new quilt up. 

"Why Keroberos Thank you. It is identical to the old, and sure to keep me quite warm. Now I may sit in my favorite chair, snug underneath my quilt, and write whatever pleases me. I thank you both." Clow's smile was warm enough to rival the fire that burned in the fireplace.

  
  


Yue closed his tired eyes. They were red and puffy from crying. He could feel his exhausted mind shutting down. As his eyes slipped shut, he fell asleep dreaming of a man who had once been his master and his greatest love. 

  
  


The child-like angel opened his wings...He glanced at the smiling man who stood a few paces away, arms outstretched and beckoning to the child. "Come here, my dear little moon angel." That soft, deep voice gave him all the courage he needed. He leapt into the air, fluttering his wings as fast as he could. Unfortunately his best efforts weren't good enough. He started to fall…and was surprised to feel the hard wood slam into his side, surely bruising his tender skin. He looked up into the face of his master, expecting to see concern, and instead saw fury. The heat of anger had settled into those dark blue eyes, and suffused his ivory cheeks with blood. "Yue, are you ever going to get it right? You fool How hard can it be? You had best learn to fly soon. You are getting to old to have Keroberos or I carry you everywhere" With that, Clow Reed stormed out of the room, slamming the heavy oak door so hard it shook the walls, and echoed throughout the second floor. Tears ran down Yue's face…

  
  


…staining his cheeks. Yue touched his face in wonder. No, this wasn't right. He was in Sakura's father's library, and Clow hadn't yelled at him. That dream was inaccurate. Clow had kept him from falling. Yes, Clow had pulled out a card…hadn't he? He…no…maybe Clow hadn't pulled out…a card, was it? Yue shook his head. His head hurt, and felt heavy. His vision swam. Before he passed out he registered the book hitting the floor. His thin body crashed onto the carpeted floor with an audible thud.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer- See Chapter 1

Warnings- See Chapter 1

Author's notes- ~sighs~ I can already see the marathon story this is gonna be....Anyone have any ideas for the proceedings? If I make any mistakes, be kind and let me know. I'm not perfect, so...~shrugs~ Ja ne!

  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter 2

Keroberos, who was laying downstairs in the living room, heard the crash of Yue's body hitting the floor. He leapt to his feet and raced up the stairs, Sakura following him, yelling his name. Touya raced out of his room, hearing his sister's cries. He heard Keroberos's anguished growl. There on the floor lay Yue. His pale, silken hair lay wild about him, his thin limbs a tangle on the floor. Touya rushed towards him, pulling Yue up against his chest. He checked the pulse, holding Yue's delicate bird-like wrist in his fingers. His pulse was strong, yet slow. 

"He's alive, it's ok. He's just passed out." Touya looked into Keroberos's and Sakura's expectant faces. Keroberos nuzzled Yue's leg. Touya picked the man up and carried him out of the library and into his room. He covered Yue with a blanket, then turned to his little sister.

"I don't know what he read to make him this upset, but I think we should leave him to rest awhile. He'll wake up when he's ready to." Touya steered his little sister to the door, then looked back for Keroberos. The lion had jumped up on the bed and lain down next to Yue with his massive head pillowed on Yue's arm. Sakura smiled at the scene of brotherly love, and grasped her own brother's hand. 

"Thanks for watching him, Kero-chan." Sakura whispered. Keroberos nodded and closed his golden eyes. 

  
  


Touya pried his hand loose from his sister's and smoothed her hair. She smiled tiredly up at him, and followed him as he went to retrieve the journal from their father's library. Sakura stood on her tiptoes to glance at the page her brother was poring over. He held the book further down so she didn't have to strain to see it. He gestured at the page.

  
  


"It fell face down, so I'll assume this was the last page he read. It's an entry about Christmas. Man, it must've been hard for him to read. It sounds like he, Keroberos, and this Clow Reed were a real family. I mean, think about it. Poor Yue, even Yuki, don't have anyone to spend Christmas, or any other holiday with. He's got to be one lonely guy." Sakura smiled at the sorrow and concern in her brother's voice. She knew that his feelings weren't born of pure sympathy, but of a healthy dose of empathy as well. She was well aware of how much her brother still missed their mother. She wrapped her arms around as much of his waist as she could muster and squeezed tightly. He smiled down at her, full of warmth and love for the child who had helped ease his heart of his mother's passing. Her green eyes peered up at him and he felt hot tears prick his own eyes. Those jade orbs were identical to Nadeshiko's. They even held the same look of unabashed love and adoration as hers. Sakura's look turned to one of sorrow and concern as she her brother's eyes swimming with unreleased emotions.

  
  


"Touya-kun?" Her little voice quaked and he knelt to quickly gather his sister in his arms, actually picking her up and giving her a cuddle, something he hadn't done in an extremely long time. She buried her head in his shoulder, and her rubbed her back, each garnering mutual comfort from the other. He moved over to his father's large chair and sat, cradling his sister. Sakura felt tears stinging her own eyes. Touya simply held her and let her cry, being careful not to let her see the tears running down his own cheeks. 

  
  


Keroberos lifted his head and yawned, his mighty jaw opening wide, exposing a mouth full of razor sharp teeth. He settled his head on his brother's should with a weary sigh. The little moonchild, as Clow had been so fond of calling the moon guardian, had yet to wake. The sun guardian had to admit that he was feeling worried. To say that Yue had been strongly affected by the loss of Clow would be an understatement. The moon guardian had been beyond devastated. He had been beyond unconsolable. Their wasn't really a word that would, or could, wrap up all the grief that Yue had felt. Clow had been a father, mentor, protector, teacher, and the greatest love of Yue's life. He'd been one of the only humans Yue had been in contact with all those long years, and he'd been the only human that Yue let get close to him, and get to know him. Besides Keroberos and the cards, and few other spirits Clow had conjured up, he'd been the sole focal point of Yue's attentions and affections. That had been Clow's number one mistake. Yue was a shy, soft creature. He had never been keen on social interactions because he'd had so little of it. 

  
  


That had made for one extremely antisocial, emotionally closeted individual. But Clow had been there for Yue. He'd represented so much to Yue. The child had clung to Clow with a vicious tenacity, throwing many a tantrum when Clow would leave on business, until finally Clow would have to use the Sleep card on the child and slip out the door before he awoke. Yue would be the most melancholy person until his beloved master returned. 

  
  


Then, Yue grew up...and as was the way of all young people as they grew, Yue matured. Along with the physical changes, his feelings changed. Keroberos was still the playmate he'd been, but now instead of their games being entirely rough and tumble, Yue and Kero, in his false form, played chess. He also became even more of a book worm as he'd been in childhood, which pleased Clow greatly. Conversations with Clow no longer culminated in the fantastical stories which had once enchanted Yue, but now went into philosophy and political strategies and great intrigues. Yue proved the perfect intellectual counterpart for Clow. Yue quickly grew to love Clow. And it was the brotherly love he'd held for Keroberos, but instead something both innocent, yet needy, and filled with a strange longing. Clow had spurned it though. He felt it would've been grossly inappropriate. That left Yue to forever watch Clow with his heated gaze. The secret had been, of course, that he had loved Yue. But at the same time he felt it a great moral crime. Keroberos had been the pitying witness, left to watch the dramatic tragedy to play out, offering a consoling word and shoulder, as well as a sympathetic ear and logical confidant. 

  
  


Keroberos lifted up his head to glance at his brother's face once more, finding the same pale skin, closed eyes, the dark lashes touching his cheeks...and dried tear tracks on those angular planes. Keroberos sighed. His breath blew some of those silvery strands right across the angel's face, effectively curtaining his features. Cursing softly, Keroberos returned to his false form and proceeded to move towards the offending hair, prepared to bat it away. Hovering over Yue's face Kero reached down to grab at the hair, and was met with a swat from one of Yue's hands that sent him sprawling across the mattress. Kero picked himself up off of the mattress, ready to chew out his little brother until he heard Yue murmuring softly. Picking out the name 'Clow', Kero flew up to perch himself on the moon guardian's thin shoulder and proceeded to wake him up.

  
  


"Yue! Come on little brother. Time to get up, lazy. You've really worried everyone!" The little creature tugged on his brother's bangs. He grinned, relieved, when two eyes, brimming with annoyance, glared at him. Sitting up quickly, Yue put a hand to his head, desperate to relieve the pressure he felt building there. Kero left his perch on his brother's shoulder and turned into Keroberos with a flash. 

  
  


"What's wrong Yue? You aren't yourself, my brother. What happened to upset you so?" The sun guardian pushed at the moon guardian's hand, wishing his brother would at least look at him.

  
  


"Kero?" Yue's voice was so soft Keroberos wasn't sure he'd heard it. "Did Clow ever..yell at me?" Yue's eyes were so soft when he finally gazed at his brother. The lion looked beyond shocked.

  
  


"Why do you ask, little one? Was it in your dreams?" Yue merely nodded. "Then that is what has upset you. Honestly, I don't remember him ever raising his voice. Most certainly not at YOU. You were his treasure. His finest creation. His little moonchild." Keroberos kept his voice calm and kind. This was quite strange. He knew for a fact that Clow didn't dare raise his voice to Yue. He was always so sensitive. Infuriatingly so, in fact. Keroberos couldn't help but stare at Yue. What was wrong with his brother?

  
  


  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Journal ch 3

  
  


Disclaimer- Don't own it. Never have, and never will. Oh, well. Wish I did. No money is being made from this work of FICTION, and all recognizable characters, ideas, etc. belong to their creator(s), which is not me. Errrr....Do I have to keep putting this up, or is once enough? ^-^x

  
  


Warnings- same as previous chapters. Violence, hints of shounen ai/yaoi abound, language...that's about all I can think of. (LOL, those who know me outside of the ff.net circle, namely Hikari, can attest to my violent, potty mouthed, general wacky nature) ^-^x

  
  


(Kriss)AN- sorry about the delay. I've had writer's block, work, and school, and the 'rents and my boyfriend have been hounding my ass about school and my grades. Not to mention I now have a pretty bad cold...I just can't win....oh, well. Also, Kris, I know you're reading this, so do me a fave and call! I want to run my other ideas by you....and read below, ok? 

  
  


I'll try and start up a reply to reviewers thing in the next chapter. (Which I have just about written, I just want to go back and do a little bit of tweaking with the plot.) Thanks to those of you who have reviewed. 

  
  


Hikari, go review my LOTR fic, ok? And call me and help me with my GW fic. We also need to get back to working on our SW fic, ne? (Ack, writer's block sucks!) 

  
  


**And to the reviewer who reviewed about my mistakes, etc....no, you didn't hurt my feelings, or discourage me. It was CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. If you'd been rude, flamed me, and not pointed out the good with the bad, then I may have been upset. Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. 

  
  


*Feel like helping out and being a beta? I don't know the technicalities of it, but I can kinda guess. Just drop me a line at krisnkriss@hotmail.com! ^-^x

  
  


Onto the fic now, I swear!!! (Just don't forget the little button at the bottom that says review, ok? It makes my day, and possibly week, to know someone's out there, and reading!)

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~

"Ah, there you are!" A rustle of his robe announced Clow's arrival by the lake. Yue sat gazing at the waxing moon. His long hair drug across the water as he leaned over to caress the orb's reflection. As his pale fingers gazed the edge of the circle, it rippled. Yue drew back, a small smile on his lips as he observed the movement's of both water, and reflected sky. He raised his fingers, wet with moisture, and touched his chin softly, his eyes still trained to the water. 

  
  


"It's lovely, isn't it?" Clow sat beside Yue, groaning as his bones and joints creaked faintly. The angel turned to gaze at Clow, a sudden mischievous glint in his eyes. He leaned to brush his fingers across the moon's reflection, then flicked his long fingers at the magician, spraying water at him. Yue laughed, soft and sweet.

  
  


"I'm sorry Master. I couldn't help it." Yue composed himself with obvious difficulty, drying his fingers on the edge of his robe.

  
  


"You couldn't, could you?" Clow raised an eyebrow, then reached out to tweak a piece of Yue's hair. "Your hair is getting wet. It's going to tangle. If you would like, I'll braid it for you." Yue smiled and turned so that his back faced Clow. Clow pulled a ribbon and brush from a pocket in his robe. The ribbon was a deep blue-violet color, and it had always reminded him of the lovely color of Yue's eyes. 

  
  


Yue was humming a happy tune, that had Clow smiling as he began to run the brush through the white silk. He started at the very ends of Yue's hair, patiently working upwards. Yue began to purr quietly. Clow snorted with suppressed laughter.

  
  


"Has Keroberos joined us, my Yue?" Clow's chuckles earned him a glare from a pink cheeked, embarrassed Yue.

  
  


"Nay, the sweets addicted flea-bag is not present, my Master." Yue rolled his eyes, but leaned back into Clow's eyes. 

  
  


Clow gently worked his brush through the entire length of Yue's shimmering mane. It matched the moonlight perfectly. Clow replaced his brush in his pocket and separated his hair into three sections, and began to weave them together. Once a loose braid was fashioned, the end was secured with the ribbon. Clow let his fingers lightly brush across the interwoven hairs before he wrapped the braid around his fist and snatched the winged being up. Yue was too stunned to do anything but cry out in shock and fright. He couldn't feel the taut pull of his braid, or Clow's hand as he was roughly backhanded across the mouth. His abused body did recognize the shock of cold water as he was pushed backwards into the lake by Clow. 

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~tbc~~~~~~~~~ 

  
  
  
  


This is pathetically short I know, but I decided to cut this chapter in half, b/c I really am not feeling well, and I think I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. (And hell has just frozen over. I NEVER go to sleep early, lol!) This scene has been nagging at me, screaming to be written though, and I wanted to post something so ya'll would know that I haven't abandoned this fic!

  
  


Well, as always, I appreciate comments, suggestions, constructive criticism, and IDEAS! (I love ideas, actually. ^-^x) That having been said, go review. ~is aware that right now her Aibou Kris is saying: "BOSSY!"~ Kriss:@-@x-----Oro? LOL! 


	4. Chapter 4

Journal- Ch 3

  
  


Disclaimer- blah, blah, don't own it... though my birthday IS coming up, and it would sure make a nice present.....(hint-hint! My b-day is on August 20! LOL!)

  
  


Warnings- so far as I have checked, nothing new to warn you about. I do have a question though...how far do you consider Shounen ai? You know, some people claim anything beyond a chaste peck on the lips is yaoi, where others consider making out still under the shounen ai banner...I don't like to step on people's toes, but dammit! If I want to write a straight up graphic yaoi scene, I will! And yes, I am aware lemons are no longer technically allowed on fanfiction.net. No one said anything about limes, though! ^-^x 

  
  


Author's notes- Wow! After so many nice reviews last time I just had to make sure that this chapter was great! Also, I finally tracked down my Aibou, Kris-chan, so I got a lot of great ideas from her. She listened and weighed in a lot on the next couple of chapters and the ideas for the rest of this fic. Wait till you see what we have in store! ~cackles evilly~ 

  
  


Anyone have a Japanese last name I can use for a character? I will be eternally grateful, and give you full credit and dedicate the chapter to you!!! 

  
  


This chapter dedicated to my dear best friend, and sister Kris. I love ya, girl! This chappie is just for you. Here's a toast to summer love! (And no, we aren't lesbians, lol.) I want to meet him!!!

  
  
  
  
  
  


~~~~~~~

  
  


Yue's eyes opened, swollen and pink from tears. A warm bundle of snoring fur had snuggled into his right side. With a snort he rolled away from Keroberos, who had become his true form once more. The lion's tail twitched randomly in sleep. He rose to his feet, stretching out his cramped muscles.

  
  


He made his way over to a mirror that hung on Touya's wall, his legs a bit unsteady. He was so confused. What was going on? Why was Yuki remembering these things? Yuki had never really had anything to do with the incident with the Clow cards. Oh, yes, he was Touya's friend, and he was Sakura's friend, but most importantly, he was a false form. He wasn't even real. Somewhere along the line though, he had become a real person. An individual, in his own right. Keroberos wasn't so..divided, though. He was every bit as comfortable and true to his nature in his false form as in his true form. That was not the same case with Yue, however. He and Yuki were as different as night and day, a true perplexity of Yin and Yang. It was a real conundrum though, living as both Yue and Yuki. On one hand, Sakura would be crushed if she never saw Yuki again, as would Touya. But Sakura would also be hurt if she never saw her moon guardian and supposed friend again. And Keroberos, he might even miss his brother. He glanced back over his shoulder at the sleeping beast again. Sloth. 

  
  


He gazed in the mirror at himself. He looked the same. Yes, the same. But, Clow had loved him, Clow had loved them, Clow had never hurt himandhejustdidn'tunderstandthisanyomre....

  
  


His mind stopped it's hysterical mental screaming. He felt some of the tension drip out of his body like blood flowing from an open wound. He refocused his gaze on the mirror. Skin that was too pale, hair snow white, and eyes of cold blue-violet. His eyes...Clow had loved them. "Rain drops on violets, my Yue." He traced his fingers across the cold, clear glass. His fingers ran across his refection's high cheekbones; Those pale pink lips, almost bloodless, and of course those angular, hardened eyes....something was wrong. Nothing felt real. It all felt like a bad dream, when you knew it was a bad dream, but you just couldn't convince yourself to wake the hell up. Now THAT was new. His eyes had turned black as pitch. They almost resembled his late Master's eyes. In his mind's eye he placed the man's face over his. He stroked the man's cheek, and ran his fingers so lightly across those slightly thin lips, always smiling indulgently. He could feel the flesh warm beneath his cool fingers. Those eyes smiled, bright and creased with laughter.

  
  


Yes, the flesh was so warm. Yue's hand stilled and his eyes widened with fright. No, not Clow. It wasn't Clow. It was something, someone else. The eyes, so black, glowed. Yue backed away a bit but something was holding his closely to the glass. A shout choked in his throat, and he mentally began screaming for his brother, asleep on the bed. He threw a magical, mental push at the lion but Keroberos didn't even stir. Everything felt so dark, vile, and repulsive. The face before him twisted, the flesh, parts of it white and doughy, seeming to melt off of the bones. A foul smell filled the room, smelling like a mouse he'd once found dead in the attic as a child. He half expected flies to begin filling the room. That gruesome, decayed mouth opened, revealing a black green tongue, maggots writhing against the flaccid muscle. The long black hair framing it's face getting caught in the fluids pouring from the broken, slimy skin, running down it's cheeks. 

  
  


"Yue..little moon child..." Yue gagged at the smell of that rancid breath, and tried to stumble backwards. "My Yue..." He heard whispered. No. NotClownotClownotClow....Tears of pure fright trembled on Yue's chin. Pure, Dark magic was holding him here. It was pressing on Keroberos, keeping him from waking. Yue could feel that. It was calling to him, the magic was. It was whispering promises to him. That he could see Clow again. He'd be more powerful. No longer would he be overshadowed by his false form. No. He threw all his magical energies against the being. It was like a bird flailing against a panther. He couldn't take this...this demon, this perversion of Clow. No more. It was this thing that had been giving him the horrid dreams of Clow, because Clow had never been like that. Why was this demon here anyway? No could take away his good memories of Clow. In a spurt of pure, icy anger he flung his right fist at the demonic face. CRACK. The mirror broke.

  
  


Heedless of the glass slivers in his hand and the black red blood tracing rivulets down his hand, he sank to his knees, attempting to regulate his breathing. It was gone. It was over. The pressure that had felt so incredibly wrong was gone. It had been shattered and dissipated along with the glass. He picked himself up off the floor, his legs wobbling with all the unsteadiness of a child learning to walk, and managed to remain upright long enough to fold his white wings about him. 

  
  


'Flee....Flee....I must flee...'

  
  


His form glowed for a moment, those wings dissolving into nothingness, and in his place stood a very disoriented and confused Yukito. The snowbunny looked around him. There was a full grown lion with white wings cocooned about his body, tail curling and twitching against Touya's blue bed spread and sheets. Where were Sakura and Touya? Turning, his brain still muddled mush, he left the room, in search of the Kinomoto siblings. 

  
  
  
  


~~~~

Eh? You still there? Ummm.......I hope I didn't gross out anyone too much! Anyway, please click on the little purple button at the bottom that says review! It makes me so happy. ^-^x

I've already got part of the next chapter written. I over extended this chapter a bit, just for ya'll. If you have any ideas, drop them on by at krisnkriss@hotmail.com. I'll get started writing the next chapter as soon as I can, and if any of you can think of a good last name for a Japanese kid then by all means, email it to me or leave it in a review. Well, ja ne minna! 


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